do i still know how to appreciate anything??!!

Everytime when someone is very busy with everything when i'm trying to chat with them... the only thing i do is to blame them for not wanting to chat with me... the only thing in my mind is:"why won't they chat with me?? it's not like i'll be taking a very long time or so..." but... i never think of how busy they are... how much do they wish to have some time of mine to do their stuff... all i do is just blame, blame and blame...

All i do is just blaming them for not letting me know them well enough... but i didn't think about how could i get to know them without disturbing them... only after when i looked at their blogs... then i found out how much are they willing to tell me about themselves... and also that i'm just nothing but a selfish and irritating and annoying person... always disturbing them without caring about how they feel... starting to hate myself... can i ever change?? i thought i changed a lot since last time... but then... now only i realised... i haven't changed a bit since then... seriously need time to settle myself down... but how long do i need?? forever?? do i still know myself?? starting to wonder... how well do i know myself...

自找。。。

最近才发现到。。。很多东西都是自找的。。。也许很多人都已经这样认为了吧。。。我也不是不知道。。。只是不敢去面对和接受这个事实。。。身边的人对我也不差。。。却不太懂得去珍惜他们。。。开始越来越讨厌我自己。。。为什么会这个样子。。。为什么总是爱钻牛角尖。。。都不能放开一些。。。是因为累了吗？？还是没东西能够让我有个寄托呢？？每次只会怪别人。。。却不会看看自己做了什么让到他们会这样。。。真的开始越来越讨厌自己了。。。我到底能不能从这一个黑暗有孤独的洞出来呢？？完全不知道。。。唉。。。我。。。还走得下去没有呢？？走不下去也没办法。。。根本就不能再回头了。。。我到底还需要多长的时间啊？？！！！！

Friends.... Who are they actually??

Well... Just to clarify... This post is not about my friends(except a few that calls me friends but... )Lol...

Well... in my world... a friend... is actually quite simple to be defined... he/she is just a person that you would help whenever you can... and will also help you whenever he/she can...no asking or pleading or begging or whatever needed... just a glance and he/she'll know what to do...*ma english sucks!!!*

But... Nowadays...in the so called "real world" or "reality"... friends are just simply people who you can talk along with... can just crap about anything... and make you feel that you don't have any responsibilities at the moment(only)... what my parents call "can hee-hee-haa-haa" with... but when the time comes that you need their help desperately(of course it's something serious, or else i won't use the word desperately... XD) ... they'll just walk away from you... and o yea... i forgot to add... whenever they need your help... they'll treat you very very very very very well(speak nicely to you.. give you some treats... give you whatever you want... "polish your shoes" until you can even look at your face with it... etc. etc.) ... and after helping them... without a "thanks"... they'll just walk away as if you never helped them at all... wow... i'm starting to regret helping these people again and again and again and again and again... well... you get what i mean... and also... after helping you... they'll just describe the tiny little favour they did for you into something like:"well... i've saved your life from being killed by (whatever you're most afraid of... fill in the blank... XD)" wow... are they just great in claiming for gratitudes and helps or what... Summary: they're just the people who wants you to help them without expecting any rewards... but only helping you if there's some 利害关系／利益关系...

well... luckily... for most of these people around me... i don't really get that close to them... our relationship is either "working partners" or what i like to call "hi-bye-friend"... which... i don't have to be so helpful with them and i don't need to ask for their help either... XD we'll just say a hi and bye whenever we meet... that's all... XD

what's happening in this society?? what's causing these people to behave like this??!! still in search for the answer... can anyone give me the answer or at least guide me to the answer?? getting very frustrated seeing these people around me... can i at least make them change that little bit?? to at least care for the people around them with their heart but not their minds which are always thinking about what will they get in the end?? don't think so... i can just hope that the situation get a bit better... that's all... damn pissed off!!! frustrated!!! tired!!! sick!!! damn!!!



From: Shawn
Zuo Hao

11.05pm 21/11/2008 friday